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Friday, August 26, 2011

The Curve Ball

I once thought that the first couple of years of my sobriety would end up being the most chaotic, unpredictable and challenging. And they have been all of that let me assure you. But the turn my life has taken right at this moment, after 5 years in recovery has really thrown me a curve-ball...mainly because of my becoming a FOLLOWER of Christ. That has really shaken things up for me...turned my world completely upside down. And yea, I totally see it as a positive doubt about it.

And I am OK with that. It is tough for me at times from the standpoint that I don't really know what's happening next and I am a control freak to a certain extent. Faith does not come naturally for me so that is always going to be a challenge, having to remain patient then acting when the appropriate time comes. Knowing that God and God alone will tell me when that time is. I also know how I am and how I can react to certain situations. I will start to believe that I'm actually in control...I cannot, I mean absolutely can not afford to do that now. The risk of failure is too I need help.

That is the reason that I have asked certain individuals who I respect, admire and trust to help teach, guide and mentor me through this journey. I believe I am at the very beginning of a new life of ministering to people's needs: physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual. Ministering to  someones spiritual needs is truly something very new and different for me. It is exciting and I am really committed to this work. It is also a confusing time for me in that I don't always trust myself, in that I'll make the right decisions and do the right thing.

That was an important factor in my choice to include these men in my life and this journey, they can give me an objective point of view. They aren't afraid to tell me when I am wrong or taking charge. They have shown me the importance of prayer and listening, "being still in the Lord" as it were. This is really critical for me because I haven't a clue where to start or go with that. I am not good at "being still" for any reason so it would not have occurred to me. It's already proven to be helpful...listening with my heart.

That was a foreign concept, needless to say. I am really far outside of my comfort zone talking about God to others. Now I have read the bible to a large group and am choosing to expend that program into other Nursing Home type environments...this will most definately continue so i am trying to develop a better way of managing my life and my time.

So it truly is a step out onto the ledge of faith. It is frightening yet I am not really afraid...I trust God, i know I am not alone and that truly makes all the difference for me today. Well I've run out of time so I'll post this and pick up on this line of thought later today. Happy Friday!