Why I am writing again, I haven't a clue. I should be scarfing down a bowl of popcorn right now! There are times that I think I am on remote control and not in charge of my behavior. Someone is electronically controlling what I do. "OK Thom, write another boring post about your emotions...OR why don't you share the story of your conversion to Christianity again, our kids just love that story....yawn, yawn..." In reality, what I actually really WANT to be doing is making a big 'ole batch of popcorn and devouring half of it myself... I can almost guarantee you my dear reader that it here will be hot, buttered popcorn being eaten in this house within the half and hour...
I have given some thought to the notion that I write more interesting...let's just say better posts when I am emotionally stirred up about something. No doubt that I am an emotionally driven person...that is certainly as much a reality today sober as it was when I was an active alcoholic/addict. Things tend to really focus, almost crystallizes in my minds eye when I feel passionate about something...anything.
Pain has always been a huge motivator for me and when i'm writing about a painful experience, that really seems to fuel my ability to write that type of post well. Hence the fact that I have written some of my best posts (In my opinion but the number of hits per post also bears this fact out) about my suicide attempt, the overwhelming sense of hopelessness I felt as an addict and the experience of being raped as a young boy. All things that I still feel a great deal of hurt about to this day...
I have had to reconcile myself to the fact that I tend to live by the seat of my pants emotionally. I also where my feelings on my sleeve for the entire world to see...This fact has caused some problems with my family who have had trouble dealing with my intensity level...actually lots of people have and it started to give me a bit of a complex. I finally realized that is me, the way I truly am...God made me an intense guy....I can't change that nor do I really want to. I am what I am and I really feel that now that I have been called to minister to those who are in need, who are hurting...this passionate intensity that is a natural part of who I am is a real advantage. It gives a sense of urgency, of caring to what we are trying to do.
I get energy from my passionate feelings for the work that I do. Credibility is an important part of the deal when you are working with people who are suspicious by nature like most addicts and rape victims are. I should know..I certainly have been there!
So I don't think I am going to give much more thought to "toning it down" right now as my emotions are concerned. And let's be clear, I'm not talking about losing control of my emotions...nope, I'm talking about just being passionate about what I am doing, What I am feeling and what I believe in. This is also about my not being shy about sharing my deepest, darkest fears and secrets to others who are hurting. That intimidates some people...it really does. But I am here today, clean, sober, sane with a passionate love for the Lord because somebody took a risk and shared their dark fears and secrets with me when i was feeling hopeless, lonely and un-wanted. I can't in all honesty hold back, I have to reach out and for me I only have one speed: Full Speed Ahead!
OK Popcorn TIME!!