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Thursday, August 11, 2011

Gain Through Pain

I would have to say after giving it a great deal of thought that most of my motivation for changing my life came by way of PAIN. PAIN, fear, resentment, anger motivate people...sometimes it is a negative motivation other times it moves a person to make a long over due positive change. Certainly, pain and FAILURE motivated me to allow GOD and other people to help save my life. Because up until that point I had been resistant to the overtures of others to help me. I truly believe God uses people to carry out his work but I wasn't buying any of it.

No...I had decided to die instead. That was MY solution to the troubling life of HORROR that I had been living for quite some time. My day of reckoning came by way of a failed suicide attempt and a lengthy stay on a Psych Floor at Holland Hospital, Holland MI. It was at that moment that I knew I had no other choice, I had failed at failure (as I call my failed suicide attempt) and had to find a way to live. I did not want to really but I had to because I had no where else to go...

Some people refer to that as "hitting bottom" and I suppose that scenario, the whole series of events leading up to it and through my treatment was my bottom. I hated myself so much, I felt so worthless, so used up and such a failure that I truly thought my friends, my family..hell the world would be better off with out me in it. These negative feelings persisted for more then a year into my active recovery from addiction.

I think only then good the good inside me, coming from the Creator finally rose up and the tide began to turn...things started to get better. To be continued...