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Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Rather Less...then OK.

It most certainly can be frustrating to feel like life is moving along in a positive fashion from day to day only to experience a day that seems plucked right out of my unhappy, dark and forbidding past...I am just not prepared for such a sudden, hard left turn toward negativity. And I wonder just what I am doing OR not doing to bring on such a drastic change in mood, temperament and outlook?

I feel like I've been in a good place spiritually, for the most part...I really do. There have been some very positive volunteer opportunities that I really enjoy doing. Physically, I struggle but that is "my normal"...there has been nothing that I have experienced recently that is frighteningly abnormal or really out of whack. Normal medium to at times severe back, hip and feet pain levels. Stomach issues a tad troublesome at times but again...I've been dealing with those for 4 months...I have felt nothing recently that should have triggered yesterday's wave of despair, fear and heart-ache.

I can only come to the conclusion that it was an emotional, physical, psychological and spiritual "bump in the road". Something that isn't typical but not not necessarily a rare occurrence either. Perhaps these kinds of periodic shifts in mood are just going to happen to me and I should just accept them for what they are. OK, I'm prepared to do that if that truly is the case...but at the moment I'm not completely convinced this is "just the way it's going to be".

I'm picking up this post entry up about 2.5 hours after I wrote that last paragraph...I got a very early phone call from a friend asking if I'd open up the golf course pro-shop/golf course because he had some issues this morning...what are friends for, right?! It was actually a good thing because I am still feeling rather "in a funk" and less then OK.

I'm sure Kim going back home has a lot to do with it but there does seem to be more to it then just that. Oh well, not much I can do except get ready.

As far as Kim going, I think it is a good thing to feel that sense of loss, to miss her and wish she wasn't going. I'm ready to make some more changes and have her stay down here permanently...that is a really good step in the right direction. So I can accept that perhaps a bit of this nastiness and related feelings are part of the process of transition and just simply missing someone I care about. That's cool and I am more then happy to cope with such feelings if indeed that is what they are.

Instead of wailing on in this same vein though, I am going to get ready to leave again...I spend some time at a nursing home on Wednesdays and Saturdays and I really look forward to that.

So I hope as the day begins to fade a bit this afternoon I can get back to a little firmer footing attitude or actually mood wise....See you then.