Sorry folks, but I have to admit it...I have actually gone out and become one of those "Bible Thumpin' Jesus Freaks" that I used to mock and make fun of in the not so distant past. I can hardly believe it myself...I won't deny it though because I can't. I am what I am and there is no doubt that I have experienced a profound change in what I believe spiritually.
And it's funny but I have no regrets...I suppose I had to live my life my own way to see that I just can't do it on my own...I self destruct, that is what I do on my own and I'm good at it. Everything I try and control totally turns to dust and rather quickly at that. I'm honestly not really sure how it all happened but it was not a case where anyone was pressuring me...that would not have worked well for me because it had been tried several times before.
But I will say although my true feelings and beliefs from that time are not really clear to me that I did believe in a very general sort of Higher Being...I called it God but it was not the Biblical God we are familiar with in Christianity. It was sort of a Native American God and Mother Nature thing all rolled into one. I was fairly open minded about accepting different faiths and ideas until some one tried to shove their specific beliefs down my throat...then I got defensive and said NASTY, VULGAR things about Jesus and God. Things that i am truly ashamed of today but I was a very lost man.
I knew nothing but the desires of selfishness, I didn't have the eyes to see GOD and that would take time and motivation through self inflicted PAIN. Only then did I begin to realize I was LOST and needed divine help but honestly I thought it was too late...so I tried to die but failed. Now I'm here...
Sorry folks, dinner time (it's spaghetti night) so I gotta go...this post will probably be continued at some time later tonight or tomorrow...
(Painting by Vincent Van Gogh)
