Well now, if I am no longer the FAKER I once was, what actually am I, eh? Of course that is an important question, especially coming from the place of deceit and dishonesty, the "Smoke & Mirrors" existence that I called my life before I found recovery...It was not at all easy to just 'flip a switch" and start acting like myself...I didn't know who that was!~ I really didn't...I had lived a phoney life for so many decades, lived a lie really that I had begun believing it myself many years before.
Addicts and alcoholics who are in relationships, like a marriage for example get very skilled at telling their significant other what they want to hear...why? Because we don't want to rock the boat, the smoother things go in day to day life well it makes it easier for us to get away with our drinking/drug use. I got so adept at going along with the notions of others that i rarely knew or cared what I wanted...as long as I got what I needed....My drinking and drugging time. Sounds sick...well YEA!! It was...but trust me it happens all the time in co-dependant type relationships...
I wanted to keep life moving nicely forward, I learned quickly how to deflect criticism about myself onto something or someone else. It was manipulating behavior at it's most creative and useful. I hardly realized I was doing it just like I rarely realized that I was telling lies. It became so natural, so normal that I never gave it a second thought.
As I began to live a different way, I found myself still lying, still manipulating and doing those very same kinds of things only there was a major difference: I was SOBER and I couldn't hide it from myself anymore...I now had a conscience. I felt guilty...so I started to tell the truth, that was about as simple as it got...I learned to be honest all over again. And I will say that I was absolutely SHOCKED by how much I was lying or distorting the truth on an everyday basis. Even when there was NO NEED TO LIE! That was the part that shook me to my core: I lied when the truth was was perfectly acceptable.
I really had to take a long, hard look at what I had become. It seemed that I put so much effort into being ANYTHING but ME, anything! Was I that bad of a guy? Was I evil and undesirable to the point that I was outcast? Funny thing though I was the one doing this...people in general treated me nicely and with respect...
Needless to say, becoming an honest, straight forward, stand up person has taken some time. But I am so grateful I stuck with it. I think I was the person that needed the most convincing actually that I had indeed really changed! Other people were still willing to give me a chance! Only GOD truly knows why but again I am grateful for their respectful and loving attitude towards me...it showed me that "Hey, perhaps I am worthy of another chance!?"
I often feel giddy because I still find it hard to believe that this has actually happened to me...that I am sober, that I have a relationship with the Lord. That is truly something that I NEVER expected...I have a multitude of good friends, a church family who has been wonderful, loving and have excepted me just the way I am. I still struggle to believe they don't want to change ME!
My life has obviously been transformed into the kind of life that I certainly never envisioned for myself but it has been so rewarding. I am still realizing that I am living for a completely different reason then I did before I sobered up and became a FOLLOWER of Jesus. Today I live to serve others and by doing so to the best of my ability, my life becomes even more enriched, more fulfilling then I ever would have dared to dream it could be. That is the most miraculous aspect of all this...I am more satisfied with this simple existence based on working for and with others then I ever was with my life of big money, big houses, travel, possessions, etc, etc...
I still don't get it but I do realize today that it isn't important that I do...all I need to do is when I get a NUDGE, I follow it. I have learned that is the way the Holy Spirit guides my life today. I have found that if I do that regularly then my life is pretty darn rewarding
