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Monday, August 8, 2011

Honesty Hurts

Ahh...the questions will keep on coming...Am I feeling well, are things going well? Or do I feel bad and life has taken a detour downward? Does it matter really...I mean REALLY matter big picture wise? Because either way, life will certainly go on. It certainly doesn't stop cause little 'ole me isn't doing so hot today...nope, time waits for no one and it sure won't wait on me.

The questions, staying on top of my recovery program, checking and double-checking my emotions and motives...whether I am being honest with others and myself...knowing in my heart that I am open and honest about what I am feeling and How I really am. It does get tiresome, sure it does...but the alternative is totally unacceptable so it is truly a necessary "evil' as it were to stay open and current with my place in the world.

I'll be honest..I do get tired of it all. I rebel in my mind and want to just go off on a tangent and think only about frivolous stuff and not just working on ME stuff, etc. I get sick of the accountability, of having to be so transparent...truly, I just want to hide myself away at times...I do not LIKE my life being an open book as it is here on the SHOCK and in other very visible aspects of my life. I'm sure the impression I give is that this blogging about my life comes quite naturally and I enjoy sharing intimate details about my life. That could not be further from the truth. This level of honesty HURTS...frankly, it hurts like HELL, every time I share about THOSE days...

The saving grace about having all that "Emotional Rebellion" going on is that truly I have NO desire to drink or drug. least for now anyhow. But I understand that can change in a heartbeat and that is why I must maintain the vigilance, each and every day. I do believe God looks out for me but he expects me to be accountable for my day to day life...He expects me to work things out daily not just expect miracles in my life every day.

So some days are better then others but honestly, I feel good about them all these days. And the difference is that I have a purpose for living today. To serve God...and having a purpose gives meaning to my life that I honestly never had before. It's a simple concept really but I had no reason to live before except to fulfil my own desires. Believe it or not...that got old and very quickly it was never enough. I always wanted more, more and more.

Today life is different and in a way I have trouble explaining exactly how that is...I just know I feel better about living and it no longer feels like this terrible burden. The hard work helping others feels enlightening, not bothersome and I do it without thinking...

Life isn't really good or just IS and all I need to do these days is just show up and participate.