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Monday, August 8, 2011


I am off on an unplanned journey flirting...literally it seems...with my sanity again. Damn it! I get not merely frustrated but absolutely sick of my intense mood and extra deep emotions...even prayer/meditation are not cutting into my experiencing these extremely intense moods. They are NOT mood swings, mind you...nope, I really don't have the drastic up/down/up syndrome like I used to. This has more to do with DEPTH of feeling then with anything else. I feel stuff way too intensely and I would simply prefer that I didn't. I cannot always handle eventually overwhelms an example, I've only slept about 3 or 4 hours total in 4 or 5 days as I struggle to think, pray, meditate or write these extreme emotional experiences is exhausting.

The emotion will over-lap me in it's embrace then slowly but surely begin to SMOTHER me. And as I cry out: a silent scream in in the abyss...shouting with my eyes though in the end I receive little if any response...from all...ever. I used to embrace, cherish, yes even encourage this renegade wish to be an Poetic LONER, so filled with anger, angst and CHAOS that I never could sit still. Now I am not really feeling down after all this. a result of being distracted. So we'll pick up this thought later in the day...

..some of this emotion is quite beneficial really...but some of it is negative because when I am in the throes of agonizing and anylizing every EVERY single emotion they have a tendency to take over one's life.

I worry that KS is not prepared for this...she says that yea, she knows me and that's enough...I beg to differ. She is a big girl so we'll see...I can't pretend or sugar coat what I feel and what I am...I am what I am, that isn't really going to change. In some ways I am virtually a slave to strong emotion, it can and will drive me so deeply into myself that I often lose track of who and what I am. It is simply frightening when that occurs...

For some odd reason my thoughts and feelings are not really connecting on this post. That could be