Friday, August 26, 2011
One Very Lost Human Being...
I don't know why I drank like I did. I don't know why once I started drinking or using drugs I couldn't stop...it was just the way I was. I know deep down I really didn't want to hurt anyone and i actually believed I was only hurting myself. That was fiction of course...just ask the X.
Alcoholism/Addiction is like that...some people can exhibit control and others, once booze has entered their system...cannot. I wanted to drink until I passed out EVERY single time I drank. If I had the opportunity to have just one beer I would skip it....to me it was a waste of time having one...if I couldn't drink until I was plastered I didn't see the point...seriously, I'd wait for a better time.
I couldn't explain why my life turned out the way it did really until I became a Christian. Some will read this and snicker or laugh...that's cool, I would have too..just 8 short months ago.
But after becoming a Christian and working with others that are in recovery, I have no doubt that the things that happened to me have a purpose. That purpose is to use my experiences and the strength and hope I gained from that experience to help others. I'm not saying God made bad stuff happen just to make me a certain kind of person...NO, I made the bad stuff happen by trying to act like I was in control...like I was God. And in the process...I ran my life completely into the ground. But now that has happened...I really do feel like it's OK, that I'm OK and there is a higher purpose in suffering hardship & pain then recovering from it.
That may sound crazy, I admit it but I have witnessed some incredible things lately...And I have no doubt that God has taken advantage of where I am in my life and led me down a new and challenging path. And I can't tell you that I always understand why this is happening to me or that it's always fun and easy...because it sometimes is really very hard and not fun at all.
I really suffered to get to this place in my life. I was raped, beaten to a pulp and left to figure it all out...all before I became a teenager. I was a hopeless addict and alcoholic, having started at a very young age. By age 17, I had already been in inpatient alcohol and drug treatment programs 3 times...2 of those 3 times I completed 28 day programs and eventually stayed clean and sober for a few years.
But I drank again and it was 20 years before I found recovery again, this time after a suicide attempt and reaching the absolute, very end of my rope. I was completely and utterly hopeless and helpless. I had lost everything: my family, my wife, my career, my homes, my vacation land in N Michigan, cars...more money then I knew what to do with and I desperately wanted to die.
That is what I got by DOING IT MY WAY, as the old song goes. Thom's "Way" created Chaos and Pain leading to utter hopelessness...I learned that the hard way. So I had no choice if I wanted to live but to seek out God and beg him for mercy...I did that and he granted me that...but for a long time, nearly 5 years I had recovery but I truly had not embraced him.
Now I have...I live for the Lord and he resides in me...laugh if you like, it's OK because I really don't mind. This is the first time in my entire life (nearly 50 years) that I actually have a purpose for living and have peace and serenity in my life on a daily basis. If that is hilarious then go for it...but I ain't laughing anymore...I'm also no longer crying so much these days, no but I am smiling an awful lot!
So I once was a very lost young man...today I am found in HIM and he in me...sounds weird I know but it is the way it is...and for the first time in my life I am at peace.
It is hard to describe how amazing it feels to take all that sorrow I once had and put it to such good use helping others to grow into new lives themselves. It isn't work...it's a gift...an absolute GIFT from God to help others and I feel privileged today to be able to do so.
It can be hard to explain or try to explain all that has happened to me in the last few months...I really can't. I was sober, life was going good but it wasn't enough...then something drastically changed and I changed....since then NOTHING has ever been the same. And that is just fine by me!
(Painting by Pablo Picasso)