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Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Living a LIE- Re-Visiting an Old Post

I am sure that anyone who reads Shell Shock Serenade on a regular basis knows that I tend to post quite frequently, often 2-3 times a day. Those posts tend to follow my penchant for being "wordy" so they are more often then not, rather long in length. And primarily because of this, I don't often take the time to go back and read posts from the past. By chance this morning, I actually re-read a post of mine from May 9, 2011 called: "The Faker Lived to Lie".
Now I tend to be my own worst critic and as a person that obviously didn't like himself very much it can still be hard for me to find positives in anything that I do...or write. By I will say this post truly captures the true nature of an addict's "NEED" to be something that he or she IS NOT. To be ANYTHING but the pathetic wreck that they truly are. I knew long before my life was publicly falling apart that I was living a terrible lie. I knew the image I presented to the world was a life a "house of cards", needing only a stiff breeze to blow it all to pieces.
I cannot truly say when the lie I was living started to to wear thin exactly and it started to become evident that something was terribly wrong. I am sure my X had many hints and suspicions...she obviously knew I was a heavy drinker but when she really discovered the full extant of my lie, I haven't a clue. Perhaps it was a couple years AFTER we divorced when I had the chance to sit down with her for an hour or so and make amends for my behavior. That might have been the first time she new the FULL extent of my addiction and the related lying and behavior. Again I suspect she knew bits and pieces but had difficulty knowing how they all fit together.
Remember, I was INTENTIONALITY trying to deceive and mislead...I could not afford the risk of the true ME being exposed...In my sick and twisted logic, I thought I was protecting the people I cared about from this painful reality: That I was a terrible, hurtful person, a mere shell of a human being that was self-destructing. I didn't want that fact to hurt or embarrass those I loved...hence this weird, unrealistic sense that I was "protecting" them from ME.
Again please recall that this was my mind-set near the END of my active addiction, at the time just before my marriage ended and I had about a year and a half to go before that fateful day I tried to end it all.
So after reading this post from early May of this year, I thought it an important enough piece of writing, with a worthwhile message to mention it again and recommend a re-read (or a first time read for some) to anyone who is really interested in what kind of thought process takes place in the mind of an active alcoholic/addict. I really think this captures, quite clearly how I thought and felt at the time....