Thursday, August 25, 2011
A Slight, Sliver Of A Chance!
Ever find it funny or ironic that no matter how hard someone may try to "fudge" the truth a bit about there life, pretend that everything is doing great when it isn't...reality has it's on way of crashing in on the party.
Back in my drinking days I could really tell a good lie, I was pretty darn good at it too. Well I had enough freaking practice because I was lying about something pretty much all the time! No matter the subject or whether or not I had time to prepare, I could come up with a very believable story (LIE) in a very short period of time.
Even to the very end of my drinking and drugging I could quickly come up with a story or excuse to explain away some screw up or mistake on my part. The issue with me became one of physical health and appearance. I was telling everyone I was doing great when I looked white as a sheet and had gone from 6'1" 180 lbs down to 6'1" 139 lbs! I looked like a Concentration Camp survivor. All people had to do, even those who had never actually met me before was take one look at me and they knew something was really, really wrong.
I was dying right in front of their eyes. I hardly ate, all I did in the last year of my using was snort Coke, take hard core pain meds and drink booze. They had me on some psych meds as well but i haven't a clue what i was actually taking...I don't really recall a lot of the time period either, just bits and pieces.
Eventually reality set in and collapsed the entire charade...I couldn't live that way anymore and I tried to kill myself...and I failed at that as well. That was when the jig was up...I couldn't find a way to live and now it seemed like I couldn't die either. I had not freaking idea what to do. That was the absolute, lowest point of all in my entire life. That was the feeling of sheer hopelessness, I had no where else to turn. I was completely alone, I had turned my back on my family, on my friends. And I didn't believe in God really or I believed he didn't want anything to do with me.
So I was utterly and completely isolated and alone. I've said this before and it is so true...I believe that the only way I was going to stop resisting and surrender to this disease of Alcoholism/Addiction was to get to this exact point, where I felt utterly helpless and hopeless. That is the moment that I threw in the towel and started to listen to those who were trying to help me. And from that moment on...I had a slight, sliver of a chance of surviving!