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Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Untouchable, Unlovable...Me

This is the part that frightens me...about me. For all the changes that have taken place in my life, all the good experiences that I have had lately and the amazing things taking place right now like my relationship with Kim...I still experience moments like I did awhile ago where I just feel so DOWN, so lost and empty that I want to just give up. And yea, I mean THAT kind of giving up.

I really hate this part, this flaw...this weakness or lack of faith or whatever the hell it is because it torments me, it hurts me and I cannot EVER seem to completely break the chains that bind me to this pain, to this harrowing DARKNESS and sorrow. I do not like feeling this way...the only warning I've had today is I have felt a bit out of sorts since early morning. Minor annoyances, an upset stomach and quite a few extra things on my mind were really all there was but it seemed to distract me enough that I realized something was up.

Then coming home from dinner, K asked me if I was stressing about something and Ker-BOOM! Anger and Rage seethed out of me like a furious blast of red hot lava and once out, I cannot take it back...or stop it for that matter. Thank goodness it eventually passes but I'm now left feeling all those same feelings I had before and the lingering guilt, fear and heartache I am stuck with because I feel powerless to change all this. I can sometimes feel untouchable....this is one of those times.

I'm not going to speculate on specific triggers for tonight's outburst and painful thoughts/feelings here online, many things can set this kind of thing off but something still rages on inside and though things continue to improve I'm at a loss at times like these. Sure I pray, I plead I try so hard to avoid it but the emotion is there and I won't hold it back...I simply cannot hold it back. I did so in the past and nearly imploded...permanently.

Perhaps a blow was necessary to relieve a build up of pressure...I don't know as I said I do not like it at all. I'll relax and re-visit this later...I still feel really RAW and detached and angry at myself for feeling like this on Kim's last night here...