Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The Spectre Looks Back At Me...
I wonder if anyone else has ever had a situation where one of the worst experiences of their life is played out by somebody else right before your eyes. The only difference is that the very sick addict, trembling in the hospital bed this afternoon, emaciated, unable to eat, mumbling his words isn't ME but somebody I happen to really care about. Otherwise the experience I had today, what I just witnessed was the exact scenario that I described in several recent posts when Kim saved my life after an overdose.
This fellow addict originally had Pneumonia (Just like I did) but it suddenly went away leaving a real mystery for everyone who is involved in this case...except for me and my buddy, G. We see it for what it IS: This is related to his Addiction/Alcoholism: An overdose or overload...call it what you want but he had been consuming more drugs and booze then his body or his MIND could adequately process...this was an OVERDOSE in my opinion, plain and simple. And I have experienced enough of these myself, personally and with K that I am pretty certain about this.
This is heartbreaking stuff...I spoke to him for 20 minutes just two weeks or so ago about all sorts of stuff...now he really can't speak a coherent sentence. I also think about the fact that six short years ago that was me...seriously, I was EXACTLY LIKE THAT! The scenario is almost completely identical...the only difference is that he is in the hospital bed today and not yours truly. Nobody knows what the true cause of his "illness" is or what happened...that too, was just like my situation. And I didn't have a clue at the time either so I was perfectly happy to let them think it was pneumonia. I noticed that he also had a staff member assigned to his room..24/7. That means they (the doctors) suspect a potential suicide risk...again, just like in my case. It completely freaks me out how similar this all is...
It's weird but deep down in my heart, I know exactly what is happening to him...but some of the actions taken by family, physicians and friends, some of them anyway...are enabling him to continue to stay sick. In all honesty, certain people who truly care about him are actually loving him to DEATH...literally! That's right, they are contributing to his death. And this is not unusual...they are really trying to help but I believe he doesn't have many opportunities left to save his own life. He needs to really feel the pain and consequences of his actions...perhaps then he will surrender the fight and give up.
Right now the Doctors are trying to find the extent of any damage to his brain...he will then probably go to a nursing home then to recover. I suspect that he will recover, including his brain function or most of it anyone (again, same situation as me, I lost a good chunk of my short-term memory but otherwise I'm OK)...it is freaking hard to kill an addict sometimes when they've dug in to resist...we become toxic, human cock-roaches in a way.
My hope and prayer is that he recovers enough that perhaps we can chat for awhile and I might be able to share my story. He may or may not be willing to chat, I haven't a clue but honestly there probably is only an outside chance that he may be interested. It's incredible, but addicts think they still are in control even when they are at deaths door like he was just a few days ago. Or sitting in a hospital bed, in a diaper hardly able to speak and unable to feed himself like this afternoon. Yet in his mind he is probably thinking..."When I get out of this god forsaken hell-hole I'll get this all figured out somehow!"
So...for now, all we can do is pray and continue to visit him. I feel pretty strongly the nudge to continue on spending time with him. I don't know what will happen but I do know I can show up and show him I care about him, tell him I love him...and share with him that God loves him too. I can really see it in his eyes...like a mirror reflection of my own hopeless stare when I was in the exact place he is today. I can clearly sense that he cannot believe that ANYONE would love him, EVER and for any reason at all. he feels unlovable, lonely and hopeless...He is at the very end of his rope...just dangling.
Little does he realize, if he'd just let go and surrender...His friends are ready to help him and most importantly: God's right there waiting to catch him.