Yeeeesshhh! Sorry for the odd word usage at the beginning of the post but I just finished reading the post from last night: Tap Dancing With Chaos (between Them Ears) and I shuddered a bit as I finished. YEEEESSHHH...is the sound I make (one of them anyway!) when I shudder unexpectedly...so for the sake of accuracy and interest i included it here.
Heavy duty emotional and spiritual stuff in that there post, no doubt about it. And I am concerned when I find myself feeling so unbalanced but not overly alarmed. Why is that, you may wonder? Because I have been here before...
Recovery (and life as well actually) is not a perfect science...not by a long shot. It isn't ever tidy, neat and orderly, tied up with a nice little bow and waiting for us each morning on the breakfast table with our coffee, vitamins, cereal, fruit and V-8. I have found that Recovery is disorder (some times) and negotiating the chaos is all part of the adventure...and challenge.
I am not alarmed by the feelings...emotional & spiritual expressed last night because I have come to expect difficulty. I have been living my life, one day at a time in recovery for some time. And though that certainly doesn't make it easy...I have come to expect roadblocks, difficulty and hardship along the way...
But on the other hand...I cannot and do not take these big 'ole bumps in the road lightly either...No way! The risk is potentially catastrophic because if I drink or use drugs again...bad and I mean VERY bad things will happen. I do know that much with certainty because of my prior experience. And the fact that I see people relapse and NEVER come back to sobriety more frequently then I really care to think about.
Living a "real" life, which entails being brutally honest with one's self and open about one's deficiencies so they can be corrected...by it's very nature will bring about difficulty on a daily basis. Today, my life is about STANDING and facing reality...not running from it as I did for oh so many years. And facing the music, as it were...participating in my own life, is hard for an addict/alcoholic. We don't "do" reality very well...we spent..I spent a lifetime running from hardship, difficulty and honesty by drinking/drugging myself into a state of oblivion on a daily basis. That habit of using escape to cope with life, is often a very hard one to break
I believed in NOTHING...except my own ability to survive or "get by". And what little faith I once had in that ability was quickly washed away by my own inability to control my life and the live's of others. I felt like a complete failure..
It's no secret that my spiritual condition...read: My belief in GOD...is part of the daily solution for recovery. And it works for me...I have no doubt about it. But this is still new path for me...I only became a Christian in late January of this year. I'm still learning and (hopefully) growing as I go which brings me to the point of this post:
The reason I do not "wig out" on the struggles I have as documented in last night's post is I believe they are all part of the growing pains of beginning a new life and whole new way of living. As hard as it is to feel so (momentarily) lost and forgotten, to hurt so much, I truly believe with all my heart that this too shall pass as long as I stay the course.
And again...I have learned that and much more from living each day and from life's hard knocks.
But knowing that is only the beginning...things do not automatically fix themselves so I must remain alert, alive and willing to continue to make changes as needed. Often when looking up at one of the many brick walls that life has thrown into my path, I don't always notice that in every single one of them is a door...a portal or another way through that is unseen by the human eye and human mind. Only the human heart...when filled with the Holy Spirit can see the way through...and ONLY then if they will continue to have faith...to BELIEVE.