Friday, April 22, 2011
All my life I remember feeling this very certain way. Yet it wasn't until the Metal Group Metallica came out with their Black Album in the late summer of 1991 did they give words to that feeling with their song:The Unforgiven.
That was it, that captured what I had felt inside for so long. I was the Unforgiven. At times I reveled in that outlaw concept, F**K everyone else on the planet, I didn't care. I pretty much did what I wanted. I felt unloved and unwanted though as well.
I was married for a about 12 years but I never recall feeling loved or cared for. It was a relationship based on obligation, not love. I don't think I was actually capable of loving someone, including myself and for whatever ever reason, she seemed to have her own struggles with love and showing emotion. I just assumed at the time and for quite some time afterward that I was the problem, I was the undesirable, the untouchable one...I won't speak for her, it is her story alone to tell. I didn't understand it then nor do I really get it know but interestingly enough, it doesn't seem to matter much any more so I've just let it go.
I was miserable and never felt like I could do the right thing in life even though in some of the many ways that our society measures success: a big house, several cars, wealth, travel, a good job...I was considered well off by those standards yet on the inside, I didn't feel very successful.
I mentioned in my post this morning: The FALLEN that because of the things that I experienced in life, particularly the sexual assault as a pre-teen left me feeling dirty, out-cast, unlovable and ultimately: Unforgivable. Because I felt responsible for those things happening, therefore I shouldn't and couldn't be forgiven. I had HUGE issues with SHAME and GUILT.
Heavy, heavy sh*t for a 12 year old let me tell you. Hey it's heavy sh*t for the 48 year old that I am now! I could not separate the act, what had actually happened to me that day, from who I was inside. I made some horrible choices at the time leading me to be somewhere I had no business being...that is what I wouldn't, couldn't accept.
I struggled with the notion that I must be homosexual because of what had happened to me, though I never felt even slightly curious in that way before. I know today that I am not a homosexual and that of course had nothing to do with rape, it was the way I was born. But a child can't process that stuff, it was typical of boys that age to call each other gay or a fa*got. And here I found myself thinking that I was. I did not know who or what I was. Most 12 year olds probably don't, it is an age of awkwardness, of hormones. Man, you add this kind of inexplicable, horrific, catastrophic event into the chaotic mix of feelings, emotions and thoughts of a 12 yr old boy and it's frightening.
This dirty little secret festered for years, out of sight but I knew it was there. Every day when I looked in the mirror I saw THAT battered face looking back at me, accusingly! Oh God how I wanted to die. I really did want it all to go away...
I was with a group of people discussing recovery today and we were actually talking about spiritual relationships and how to deal with issues from the past. One gentleman was talking about how, once you identify what the problem is, you just turn it over to the Lord and it's not a problem anymore. And you put it behind you for good. He obviously had never been beaten and raped as a child...
I suppose that works sometimes with issues of guilt, feelings of wrong doing and a multitude of other issues. But the violent flash backs, the deep emotional scars that never go away, the memories and visions of that day often just flood back over me and often completely overwhelm my ability to cope. And this is 37 years after the fact! And I end up feeling all BROKEN inside again.
Even though my life is so much better today. It's filled with joy,the love and affection of family and friends. I still do not feel loved, I have never felt cherished by anyone the way I cherished another at one time. So I am still feeling alienated by an event that took place nearly 4 decades ago!
I am going to stop writing here, at least for awhile. The emotions I feel right now are getting to intense for me. With it being Easter weekend and me being a brand new Christian, I started out this morning thinking about the Crucifixion and I took off on all the parallels between that and being raped, how I felt so Fallen, untouchable in my pain and hurt.
Those thoughts, memories and feelings have been lingering, tempting and mocking me all day. I feel strengthened by my faith but this evening I feel weary. I feel beaten down or down trodden and am not sure I have the strength to resist.
So I'll pause and perhaps post later, perhaps not. I speculated in that earlier post that I suspected this weekend was going to be a struggle, a deeply emotional time and I thinks it's important to go ahead experience it with my eyes and heart wide open. I do believe I need to feel this stuff, to experience these emotions and work through all the intensity.
I just have to trust that I am in the right place tonight...