I remember time from time in my past having moment where I really wished that I didn't feel so much. I mean I literally thought that, which I find astounding now because I obviously drank/drugged to drown out my feelings. So that must mean I was somehow making that connection in my mind though don't recall being really aware of it like: "I hate feeling so much so I'll drink and forget". No I was doing it automatically, somehow I sensed that I felt stuff with such intensity that I found a way to cope with it...booze and drugs.
And that is why there is so much more to recovery then just quitting the stuff...I had to totally learn how to deal with feelings and other stuff all on my own. I now understand perfectly why they steer recovering folks towards spirituality and meditation...Because those things have helped countless addicts/alcoholics find a positive, helpful and effective way to deal with reality without the booze, etc. or going absolutely NUTS!
Of course I can see that now but none of that made any sense at all when I first got clean and sober. I only tried it because I was desperate...I truly had the GIFT of desperation. And it was a gift for me at that time because without that feeling of desperation...I would have kept trying to do it on my own. Today, I'm convinced I'd be dead by now if I kept on that path...
As far as wishing I didn't feel things so intensely...I kind of embrace that now. It's a part of me and it has been liberating to just be myself instead of always pretending to be something I'm not. I was a phony, which I find hilarious now because back then I thought I was so REAL. You can't be REAL and a LIAR simultaneously, I've since discovered!
I wouldn't be blogging if it wasn't for this same intensity inside that I used to hide from..er, run away from. I know that tapping into those deep feelings and sharing those intensely private thoughts have been a real positive part of my growing process and that is how I've learned to live life with out the artificial numbness that booze/drugs provided.
And instead of living in a vicious circle of fear, anger and dishonesty, I live in a positive circle of honesty, communication and sharing my feelings...and doing so keeps me on a much more even keel then I was before plus I enjoy it and learn from it as well.
So today I benefit from being more open with the side of me that I used to hide and whats cool is that by being true to who I am...I actually feel less vulnerable then I did when I was always pretending to be something I wasn't. For one reason...today I have no need to fear getting caught, eh eh!! Honesty is great...