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Thursday, April 21, 2011

Square ONE

Whoa, things are getting a bit freaky around here and it's not even Halloween! My last post was titled Nudges and little did I know this morning when I wrote it that I would have that kind of thing going on today. Honestly though I believe we get these little bumps of encouragement or enlightenment, they still are rare enough in my life that I'm taken by surprise still when it obviously happens.

I will admit that I still have things to learn if I'm going to live the kind I life I believe I should: a life based on giving, forgiveness, HONESTY. I still do things that I'm not happy about. I still try to control things. I get embarrassed about something and don't want to discuss it even though I know better. I still make poor decisions some times and I have to live with the consequences. I'm OK with that but I really need to stop the bad decision making stuff.

Some life lessons I've learned in recovery are really just common sense things used day to day. And some of it is new behavior to me. I struggle to ask for help, it is a major problem for me though I have made some progress in that area.

I really do try to live a honest life, giving myself to others and working on those old behaviors that have held me back in the past. It's hard to change, to be more open and ask others for guidance or to help me do something I'm struggling to do on my own.

I've really learned some important lessons about people since I've been sick. It has really impressed me how willing people are to try and help. It has really improved my opinion of human beings immensely!

The funny thing is that even though I have learned these lessons I still have these weird things happen to me that I can't explain and it confuses me...

Last night I was really feeling troubled and a close friend has been encouraging me to ask for help, share my issues with others. That is one of the most difficult things for me to do. I really didn't want to do this but I thought I really needed to,listen to what I've been told so that is what I did.

So I put together an email that laid out my fears and concerns plus some questions I had but when I got finished I was really reluctant to send it along. Eventually I did and I worried about that darn email all night long and into the morning today. I never heard anything back about it which was rather odd considering the subject matter and who I sent the email to.

Now I find that it never arrived! So what happened? Did God intervene...perhaps, I don't know but I agonized over this crap for over half a day for no freaking reason. This kind of stuff really messes me up because I am already confused and now I thought I was doing what I should and it turns into a mystery so I'm back to square one!

My gut really hurts tonight and if I could I would have the surgery right now, lol! I know this post turned into a load of hooey but VENTING is an allowable post option here on Shell Shock Serenade (because I get to make the rules of engagement!). So I am going to close this mess and maybe try some to eat some ice cream and figure out if I have to humiliate my self all over again, ACH I hate this sh*t!

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