I just read a post on another blog where the author was ripping on folks who give out too much personal information during casual conversations, such as at a store or when you are meeting someone for the first time at in a social setting...And I totally get their point.
They won't want to read this blog though, hehe! It's all about information that most folks probably would rather not hear about. Of course, that IS what Shell Shock is really about: the behind the scenes stuff going on in the everyday life of a recovering Drunk and Drug Addict.
There are definitely still days where I really wonder why the hell I'm doing this. Whats the point, EGO? Right?! I spill all the details about what a selfish, self-oriented, lying bastard I was and how hard it has been to change that...that's something to really be PROUD of eh?!
I'm not entirely discounting ego though because it is a blog that has as it's main topic of discussion:ME. Me and whatever else I want to riff on a daily basis..."It's my freaking party and I'll bitch, er cry if I want to..."
As any regular reader (Hey! I think there are one, perhaps two of you out there!) will recognize, it is typical for me to write a post basically checking or re-checking as it were my motives for doing this. Ultimately they haven't changed: I lived this sh*t for a long freaking time, in the end I felt so alone and hopeless that I legitimately tried to kill myself...and failed.
From that day forward I have lived a life focused on recovery and re-building my own life from the ashes and wreckage of my past. One of the most important aspects of recovery I was told early on (and have since discovered for myself)is working with and helping other addicts (or anyone else really) who is in need. The "To keep what I have (sobriety) I must give it away (help others)" philosophy stressed so much in support groups and 12 step programs.
Shell Shock Serenade has become a huge part of my "giving it away". I have had these experiences, they were horrible but they happened. As humiliating and embarrassing as some of this is, I figure if there is ANY slight chance that by sharing this stuff somebody may find some helpful to them, then it's worth it to do it. Not only that I feel a moral obligation to share it, to throw it out there if it may help somebody, anybody.
So that's the deal...that is why I do it and honestly, my motives haven't changed. As far as EGO, well frankly I'm humbled by the incredibly nice things folks have said about this blog. Recent readers know that I have recently really had some really intense spiritual experiences lately. I'll call them a spiritual awakening and I feel much closer to my CREATOR now and I strongly feel that whatever I print here is influenced by HIM.
OK, now you can all go: See, he's a religious NUT, I knew it! You may want to think about that some more after reading...I have very little use for what human beings may think or believe or tell me to do. I believe we all have an inner voice and if you listen very closely you may be surprised by who is talking to you...
So I've just finished another "Are my motives still good" post here on SSS..and I think and feel that yea, I am as dedicated to this blog as I have ever been. Though it isn't a super popular blog that gets hundreds of followers each week, that isn't what matters here. What is important is TRUTH and telling the truth. Two very different things yet very much inter- related.
I work really, really hard each time I post something here on Shell Shock to tell it like it is. Tell the TRUTH and be as honest as I possibly can be. This story or message...whatever you want to call it is what I have to give back to the world for this amazing gift I have been given. There really is no other way to pay it back. All I can do is share what I have. And what I have is....ME.