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Thursday, April 7, 2011

Living In The GREY

OK...I see the Doc at 9a this morning. My doctor here in town. So what are the chances I go in and she has some info from The Mayo Clinic? Diagnosis, treatment plan...alright, OK...I know, I'm dreaming! It was a nice thought while it lasted. But maybe they have SOME information?

I think I've mentioned in previous posts here on SS that I am not very patient. I wasn't kidding...I have also stated I'm don't do well in "LIMBO" a place where I'm on hold, so to speak. I'm much better when I have something, anything to go on, prepare for. Something/Anything...

Aww, it's alright...this thing will work out and while I agitate a bit in my own shoes, time is still ticking off the clock. Managing my expectations are the hardest part of all this...and frankly I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that whatever answer or answers I may get: today or next Monday/Tuesday that they won't be absolute or black/white. I have always lived life in the GREY...the Grey Area, between the absolute so things have always been open for changes.

I don't expect this to be any different. I suppose the hardest...expectation or maybe projection would be a better term, to manage would be that they will find NOTHING and this uncertainty will be prolonged indefinitely.

That certainly isn't beyond the realm of fact it happens all the time! And it has happened to took them years to figure out what was going on with my back...n MRI at any time during that frustrating period of my life would have given the Doctors the answer yet no one ever requested it...until it was a last resort, then BINGO, they had it.

I don't want to relieve the frustration, the awful suspicion of that time again. Where people simply stop believing you and treating you as being less then truthful. It is not a happy place to be in, I assure you! You know you are not well yet nobody can find anything was a terrible feeling and a terrible experience that I never, ever wish to re-visit.

So I have some it's not underlying, I am openly fearful of repeating that experience again. I know diagnosis's take time, you want them to be accurate but at the same time I just WANT ONE, period. Something to go on, not a hint or a clue but something concrete we can attack, kill and the forget about.

I know, that's probably too tidy and too much to ask you can see I'm already failing to manage certain expectations, lol!

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