A little while ago I got up from a failed attempt at a nap and put some coffee on. I noticed that a few sticks had come down into the yard while I was in Rochester...Sheesh, you would have thought that between the Big Bad Blizzard of 2011 (BBB2011) and That Pain In The Arse Ice Storm of 2011 (TPITAIS2011) all those pesky sticks would have been blown down by now but NOOOOO! There are still plenty of them up there...anyway, I'm getting side tracked...imagine that!
I planned to have a cup of JOE and head out to pick up a few sticks, nothing drastic, just 10 minutes outside getting a bit of exercise. The temps are still in the 40's and it's a bit breezy but the sun was shining so I figured I'd be fine.
Well I figured incorrectly, obviously. I have become a timid, indoor oriented wimp and I hate that. I wasn't out there 5 minutes and I was cold to the bone (though I was more then properly dressed for the weather/temps) and so tired I could hardly walk. This is starting to piss me off, this illness crap.
OK, Mr. Sickness or whoever you are, get the hell out of my body, I have a lot of life to live and your Monkey Ass is getting in my way! Got that?
OK, whew...that felt better. I needed to get that out of my system but now I'm so whooped that I need to lay down again...
All kidding aside, I am frustrated with feeling this way all the time. I'm embarrassed that I have to cancel commitments that I've made with my friends or at church, etc. I think everyone understands...I know they do but it still bugs me. I'm tired of having exceptions made for me or getting up during a meeting 3 times in an hour to use the rest room...I just want to live.
I know...what can I do, I can't change anything right now. I'm doing everything that has been suggested. I do try to think about other folks, who have it much, much tougher then I do. Young kids or adults with Cancer. Soldiers returning home without a leg or terribly disfigured. There are so many people in this world that have nothing compared to the life I have been blessed with. I am so fortunate and yes, grateful. I know I shouldn't be whining.
But it is hard to accept things sometimes. I'm still selfish and I want stuff to go the way I want it to and it is obviously not. That is life...and I am going to have to deal with the hand I've been dealt. I dodged several bullets back in my drinking days...i have to believe there was a reason for that. No matter how badly I feel right now I have to step up and try hard to be an example. That things can be hard yet still be worthwhile.
And I do believe that...and I'm not just blowing smoke up everyone's BUM here, I am happy to be here. Whether I feel great or lousy it is still much better then the alternative... I've seen that kind of life first hand and I really don't want to go back!
So as I've said many times before: I just gotta take it one single day at a time..even baby stepping will eventually get you to your destination.