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Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Morning G&D

Of late, I have noticed the return of an unpleasant, re-occurring feeling each morning when I start my day. It doesn't matter when I start the day, a feeling of impending doom and heartache just always seems to be there. And I'm not embarrassed to admit that this alarms me somewhat...

Why? Why does it bother me that I wake up sensing that something is wrong...I'm mean the feeling passes so that's all it is, right? Just one of those unpleasant feelings you get before you're actually awake?

The trouble is I woke up with that feeling for years...and it wasn't just a feeling then, it WAS reality...I was in deep, deep trouble. I was still drinking and using drugs at the time and no matter what I did that feeling never totally went away. But I have not experienced that feeling for a long time which is precisely why I am alarmed by my feeling it now...

So I wonder why am I'm experiencing it right now, at this time in my life? And I'm not jumping to the obvious conclusion that this has to do with my health...I really don't believe it does. No this has to do with my Spiritual Condition and that is why I'm gravely concerned. Is this a warning? Have I ventured out of my spiritual comfort zone into a place where I don't belong? I honestly don't know...

I'll admit, it is a stressful time in my life, yes...of course it is. I'm ill and we still don't know exactly why. I am still in limo, as it were having to travel back to Rochester next week and frankly, I'm concerned about that, having the resources, etc.

Also...I'm new in my faith and reliance on the Lord and I occasionally have doubts but seriously, I've really felt so much love and support that I haven't experienced much in the way of doubt. So I am at a loss as to why I am having the bouts of morning G&D (Gloom & Doom).

Perhaps this too will pass...but I've learned that when I get these little "nudges", these messages of warning not to ignore them so i won't. I've also learned by experience not to blow things out of proportion either. Perhaps I'm just not feeling well (and I'm not feeling very good these days, obviously) and this is one way my mind, body and spirit are reacting to that...I just don't know.

I think we'll just have to stay tuned, eh?

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