I never felt good about that term conversion anyway. Like I mentioned in an earlier post..I don't really buy that I have change INTO something. I think it's more a matter of becoming what I always was supposed to be, and deep down I didn't have to LEARN or CONVERT to be ME.
Perhaps that confuses some folks and it isn't my intention to confuse or muddy up the water, nope it is just what I happen to believe and feel. Still I wondered if I wasn't perhaps playing a game with myself...
Has something really happened...have I truly changed? Am I truer to the original Child of God that he created in the first place? Am I truly keeping my heart open and my eyes focused on the Creator at all times? Those are serious questions indeed and I am taking them very seriously as well.
The answer actually came to me today. I was talking to a friend. A man I have a great deal of respect for...a mentor, father figure...a good person. He is all of the above though in his humility he would cringe a bit I suspect at my description...but it is the way I feel.
We were talking about a variety of subjects but always The Lord was at the center of every part of our conversation. We got to discussing the Church I attend, what membership was and meant and it was at that point I could FEEL God inside of me. I have absolutely no doubt that the Holy Spirit I had heard so much about and knew was guiding me had actually made it's presence known while we were talking.
For the first time in my memory I could literally feel my eyes smile. Trust me, I do not posses the ability to do that on my own but I could feel LOVE, welled up inside smile through my gaze and I knew at that moment, as I've really known all along that this was REAL.
It has been an intense experience to give up myself to God and feel that acceptance...that LOVE showering over me when I know as simply Thom the man, I don't deserve it. I could not, in words right now define God's Grace and what it is. But I recognize it when I see it or feel it. And I'm feeling it every step I take right now and it can be overwhelming..in the very best sense of that word.
I admittedly have spent a great deal of time and space on this blog trying to describe that which is, quite frankly a Divine Gift and therefore indescribable. Yet I so badly want to let others know this discovery of mine...
But as I sit here tonight, in the fading last light of the day I know what I always wanted to know: HIM.