You know...you caught me. Just as I was sitting here getting ready to write a post...I let it happen, again. And in all honesty it has happened more often then I really want to admit. But as soon as I stop, driving, walking or writing my mind will just...go there. I mean go THERE...
And I get scared. All the bravado of putting on a brave face. The real belief that God will watch over me helps but still there are those moments. My mind will wander and I'll wonder what it's like...to die.
I say I don't think I'm going to die..and I don't. But I have moments where I do and it makes me sad. Perhaps this is a good thing really. hey, I'm not trying to lay on the drama. I'm not fishing for sympathy...this is the way I really think and feel.
I don't think I'd be human if the thought of terminal illness and dying of say...CANCER hadn't crossed my mind. It has...I try not to dwell and for the most part I don't but I just have my moments.
But here is why I don't think this is necessarily a negative thing. For one, it's just a part of being realistic...of living with my eyes wide open. Hey it could happen...the Docs have made no secret of the fact that they are looking for signs of the Big C, as John Wayne used to call Cancer.
I think the more valuable reason this isn't such a bad thing is when I go there and think about it I mentioned that I feel sad. And I do because I think of things I haven't done yet that I want to do. And I think of my family and friends and the new kind of life I'm living.
The thought of being terminally ill s making me feel more appreciative of the life I have. And no matter what happens with my health, I think I'm going to be better for taking a look at my life. I already value and cherish it more then I ever have before but I also know, deep down that there is more to it then just being alive. My life is better today because there is a purpose for living I didn't have in the past...
I guess I'm trying to say that the adversity I am facing really does seem to strengthen me...and though I don't like thinking about the worst possibilities of my health, I do need to consider it as possible because it is. And because it is possible, it just drives me to live with more purpose, to be that better friend and a better dad, a better son and person overall.
I've said here on SSS many times that I have really come to value relationships since I've been sober and that is so true. And I don't need to consider the possibility of dying to make me appreciate and value those people I care about. But it reinforces my need for those people. I used to think I was an island...I needed no one.
I was so wrong...
Enough of that line of thought for the night...perhaps writing about it now will spare me the thoughts about it later when it's so quiet and so dark and I realize how alone I am. And just then when that fear begins to overwhelm me...the thought intervenes that I am not alone and never have to be alone ever again.