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Monday, April 4, 2011

On The Other Side...

It was really kind of a weird (weather) start to the day today...60 degrees when I left at 7:30a to run a neighbors dogs and feed their cats, then off to Holland, MI to drop off K-Sue.

By the time I got to Holland at 10:30a it was 34 degrees...I mean the temp was dropping like a rock. I got back here about 1:30p and it's 44 so that was kind of a strange weather pattern. It went from warm and actually humid to cold and blustery, with rain showers in just a couple of hours.

That's sort of like my mood some days, eh,eh. that that is done trying to get a handle on more of this medical stuff. I knew that if I was going to involve a Clinic, like MAYO which is out of state, that there were be some travel/logistics and expense involved.

I'm concerned that when I go up next Monday that they will have more tests to run and honestly, I can't afford to stay up there. To be frank, I can't really afford it for another day plus the cost of gas alone ran nearly $200 by the time all was said and done. It would be great if we could get a diagnosis and proceed with treatment locally but I have no clue whether any thing like that scenario is possible.

I'm hoping we can do the consultations over the phone then if I need more tests I can use what limited resources there are for that as opposes to paying big money for a couple of meetings. I know I'm supposed to have a little faith here but there has to be some sort of plan...

I don't feel discouraged but I am kind of going through this period where I sort of feel like I'm back to square one. I don't doubt that going to MAYO was the right call but I worry that it will turn out to be a long, drawn out (read:thorough)process and I'm afraid that I am not financially prepared for all that. I guess I thought I go up for a week or more, pay whatever needed to be paid even if it was expensive (it was and I even then had some financial help from family/friends) and then we'd have a diagnosis.

When it became clear last Wed. or so that there wasn't anyway that could happen I started to feel really let down and that perhaps i'd made a mistake. Deep down I don't think it was a mistake but I may have to accept that one week was the best I could do and I have to take what they have and proceed from there.

I don't know but this is all weighing heavily on my mind this afternoon and it doesn't help that I'm feeling really ill on top of it. I just can't expend energy like I want to..I get up early, start my day and then I am just exhausted...Ach, I hate that. It makes you feel worthless when you can't do the stuff your used to doing.

Even though from this post it might not sound like it, I am actually doing OK, I'm just trying to be realistic and stay grounded in the reality of this situation.

I have so many wonderful people praying for me, thinking about me and asking how I am that I feel like I'm letting them down if I don't start to feel better. It's weird but when folks ask how I am feeling, I feel bad telling them the truth because they seem so let down. Or maybe they think I'm just whining....

I guess that may be a reason I never wanted to involve people in my personal life because then I felt like I had to please them or accommodate their expectations. I know they mean well and I mean well too but the fact is that I've just had testing done, we haven't treated anything because we don't know yet (at least I don't) what we're dealing with here.

So I'm stressing and praying. both at the same time which is probably ridiculous but I'm doing my best. In my opinion, I need to figure a way to avoid going to MAYO this coming Monday because of cost...I just don't know what to do.

But I'm tired, weary from travel and I don't feel well so perhaps I have missed an obvious solution here so I'm going to shut the old brain down for awhile and see if I can get some rest and re-charge my batteries. Things may look a bit brighter on the other side of a nap...

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