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Sunday, April 3, 2011

Let IT Fly...

I'm feeling some turmoil inside right now and the cool thing about that is I'm aware of it. Perhaps I've been through too much therapy in my life. Too many support group meetings, sharing my thoughts and feelings, etc.....Oh yea, I'm sober, perhaps that might have something to do with it! But whatever the reason, I'd rather know WHEN things feel unsettled and then go (grow) from there...

For years I didn't have a clue what I felt or what it meant nor did I care. And as a result I was a ticking time bomb...ready to just explode at any minute and I often did, splattering those who loved me with emotionally abusive shrapnel with each and every explosion. Sometimes those outbursts would be so sudden, so unpredictable and verbally intense that they frightened me. I really can't imagine how my family or friends felt if even I was afraid of me! Of course I never would have admitted any of that back then but it was the truth. I was emotionally a loose cannon and I got quite good at hurting those people I cared about.....

I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with whatever is quietly eating my emotional lunch this afternoon but just knowing that it's happening is always a good place to start. Then you can rely on the positive things I have learned throughout my recovery and the newer spiritual based stuff I'm still learning about as I go.

I really try to NOT hold on to that nasty, negative stuff and let it eat away at my peace and serenity. I try to let go of it emotionally because often that kind of thing destroys a person from the inside out. It may sound corny but for me it's reality and I have to be aware of it.

Sometimes even today, with all the therapy and support I've had, I just have to stop what I'm doing, say a little prayer and let it fly....God ALWAYS catches me before I fall.

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