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Friday, April 8, 2011

Running To Nowhere

Darkness has come to the Isle of Light

Light has come to the City of Night...

I really think a lot about the light, not the Sun or flipping the switch kind of light but as it personifies good. Light in a Positive sense. Light as in The SON, not the Sun...Good over Evil.

The Dark, Darkness never really meant Evil to me. When ever I thought of Evil, going as far back as I can remember I always thought of Man or even a man, first.

I used to watch the WWII Series on PBS called The World At War. These were the days before we "colorized" all the WWII films so it was always shown in black and white. The Producers of those B&W Films learned how to use the light/dark shades to clarify the difference between the Good (The Allies: The U.S., Great Britain, USSR) and Evil (The Axis: Hitler, The JAPS, etc). I saw a lot of those images of Hitler and the Nazis so I immediately identified Evil with the NAZI's.

Hence, whenever I think of the struggle Man has with Good/Evil in our world I immediately think of those WAW (World At War) Images and they haunted me throughout my childhood. Really well into adulthood I was being chased by Storm Troopers in Hobnailed Boots running after me down the narrow streets of the Warsaw Ghetto to...NOWHERE.

Today I tend to look at my life during my active addiction as a struggle with the Dark Side: Of my Nature, of Life...Evil personified into this Hellish existence. I felt many things during that period in my life...including moments of euphoria, high points, yes from literally being high, I thought I felt happiness, perhaps even joy. They were artificial feelings I know now. The one thing I never, ever remembering feeling at any time is hope.

I never recall feeling hopeful, all those artificial highs of course were followed by crashes taking me quickly from that fake euphoria to a devastating low in a very short amount of time. Each and every time was a flirtation with suicidal thoughts...DARKNESS again. I began to feel it was chasing me, trying to envelope me in it's arms and smother me with hard lessons of fear and hatred, violence and no chance at redemption.

Those frightening notions were very much real in my conscience mind and I believe that because of them i always kept an eye out for the Light (Redemption, Grace, Forgiveness, etc). I think buried deep down, in the last remnant of my tattered Soul was a sliver of HOPE that kept a faint spark alive. At the right place, in the right time...all of those things came together at precisely the perfect moment and I was indeed saved.

I will admit that I used to ridicule that phrase used by Christians: I'm Saved. Saved from what? Now I knew...I was indeed saved and that is exactly what it felt like too. I was saved from MYSELF.

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