I realize some people get God then they end up acting like someone they aren't. That isn't what I really expected to happen. I have been on a spiritual path long before I became a Christian and I really want to believe that the changes, If any were related more to me just being myself then anything else.
Ultimately that is the goal for me, to be open and honest...and if I'm true to myself and those things that I believe, then I'll be happy and at peace as I continually strive to be close with my Creator.
I really believe that God made good people, it is us (humans/men), when left to our own devices or desires, that screw things up. I know when I started to behave contrary to what was in my heart (and my conscience let me know this) that I became an ugly person (behaviorally). I became an angry, resentful, spiteful, hateful and dishonest human being, that was what I became...those things are ugly and run contrary to the will of God.
So I acted the outlaw, I was defiant, hateful towards the whole notion of LOVE as personified by HIM...and anyone who believed such things. My rage made my own skin crawl and I came to despise who and what I had become. I hated myself to the point that I tried to end my life.
And then I saw LIGHT, my life became flooded with LIGHT and the weight of the world was lifted...and my life began again. This transformation had nothing to do with me becoming something I wasn't...NOPE. I wasn't learning a new way to live....NADA. But it did have everything to do with becoming the Thom that God created in the first place. I was unlearning as much in those early days of sobriety as I was learning...and that still holds true today.
I was an onion and as I turned back toward God those layers of hatred, anger, dishonesty and phoniness peeled off of me like the dead skin on that onion that was me. I started to become me again...But did I learn anything that was new? Certainly, with my heart open...my ears and eyes followed and I started to learn, I sought TRUTH eager as the child I had again become.
All those things create my connection to the Creator and really, I would be so lost today with out it. I used to think people of faith were weak, worthless on their own...I certainly had that wrong as well. I've never felt such strength pulsating through me during times of adversity as I do today and I have nothing, repeat NOTHING what so ever to do with that today. My job, I've discovered is to turn my heart and eyes toward HIM...