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Saturday, January 22, 2011

The F**k-It's

Painting by Chris Peters

I'm feeling less then fine tonight. I'm really sore, I feel kind of punchy after a long day and the enthusiasm for life I've had this week has withered down to the thinnest of slivers...

So that is the time I must be most aware of my behavior and intentions. I can get a royal case of the F**k-It's in a flash and spiral into real negativity in no time. I have to be careful of's not like I have a bad day and "Oh no, I'm going to go out and drink", but I can get myself in a bad place by letting a shitty attitude drive the rest of my behavior.

That's the deal, really. My Alcoholism/Addiction? It wasn't just about the drinking and the drugs...I had become a person who saw himself literally at the center of the universe. Everything was about me, no kidding. So if I start acting like an ass now, behaving selfishly, wanting all the attention...I see that as a stepping stone to potentially more and more negative behavior. And over a period of time, that can certainly lead to a break down of the positive outlook I have, with equal focus on the physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual healing and growth that gives me the balance and serenity I need to have a fulfilling life today. And that breakdown definately can effect my sobriety...and if I drink, well I die.

I realize that might sound ridiculous to some folks. He has one bad day, acts like a jerk then he's all paranoid that he's going to start drinking again?! It's not quite like that but my reality is such that I need to be focused on the positive things that have worked in my life up to this time. So that's just the way it is....and frankly I enjoy the life I have. I don't like to take chances and because I do have the kind of life I enjoy living I think it makes sense to protect it and nurture it the best way I can...

So I'm a bit burned out and bummed out from the rigors of a long day. It will pass...time to get some sleep...


  1. Sleep it off. Had a rough night. Sleeeeeep

  2. Hmm... I was going to post a comment last night on your previous post, but I didn't. I see from what you wrote here that you ended up feeling the way I thought you might. What it boils down to is that I feel dumb saying things like "Hope you are o.k.." or "Hang in there."

    And I agree with Ryan. Critical point... sleeeep.

  3. Spockgirl-There certainly isn't anything wrong or silly w/saying "hope your OK?" The sentiment is nice...the truth is yea, I was and am fine, this truly is part of the life I lead. I accept that too but there are times where the weight seems intolerable and I'll vent and yea I'll do it here as well. I said I wanted to represent what it's like to be an Addict/Alky in recovery on a day to day basis. This is it....

    Thanks for your comments and sentiment, it's very nice..