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Saturday, January 8, 2011

It's Just Me (Part 2)

I don't know if I can ever love again. I hate to say that, it really sucks but that is the way I feel right now. I really can't see myself developing the kind of trust one must have to let some one in so close to my heart. That scares me, the mere thought of it...makes me shiver when I lie awake, thinking about it at night. I'm so afraid of getting too close. I don't want to hurt like that and I don't want to lose me again.

Honestly, I don't blame anyone from my past relationships for their failure, I really don', the choices were mine to make. I lived the life I wanted to live, gave what I was capable of giving...such are the consequences of those life choices.

Lonely or alone: It's tough enough to feel one of those things but both of them simultaneously really blows! But is being alone and feeling lonely motivation enough for me to step out of my comfort zone and allow myself to love again in that way? I don't know, not now it's not.  Maybe I just can't do it...perhaps I just won't. Maybe it will never happen and this is it. Is that enough? Yea, I think it is enough but I'll say right off that I hope there is something out there, someday, some way...Doesn't matter really why because, at least today I won't do it, because I can't really see it. I will not open my heart, I am not yet ready to feel THAT vulnerable again. Perhaps I am too careful, too protective of it, Bottom line: I just can not trust...not now, not ....ever?

I really do think about it though. Being in a relationship, that is...Thinking about it is a big step forward for me....believe me. Not too long ago I couldn't ever see myself with somebody ever again. The best I can be is a friend. No small endeavor in my opinion as friendship is something bordering on sacred to me yet I realize it still just isn't quite the same..

I do like the notion of being a "we" sometimes instead of just a "me". There are so many things I miss,  just basic things. A partner...yep, I miss that feeling of having a partner, someone to share it all with, laugh with, smile stupidly together, just BE together, just BE. Just the two of us together against the world...

I miss walking around all day with the smell of her sweater in my hair....and knowing it's there and how it got there and realizing that nobody else knows about it. That in our own way, we were still together at that moment because I could still smell her...

Laying together in the big chair, no TV on just "being there"...

How lovers eyes speak volumes...but only to one another.

Sharing "our" look and speaking without talking...if you've experienced this then you know what I'm talking about. If not, you'll just think I'm crazy if I try to explain!

The inside jokes of lovers...things only "we" can know.

A travel companion: I miss this a great deal though I have a dear friend who is a surrogate travel partner and that's been really cool in and of itself.

At this time I must admit that there are aspects of being a "me" that are quite satisfying. I have never struggled to live my life as a single entity. I don't freak because I'm by myself. Maybe that fact, ultimately will be a benefit me if I ever do find a partner, I don't know. I think it's important to a relationship that the two parties involved know how to live for relationships are not a good thing. I'd rather not find that out again for myself, thank you!

One must be able to take care of themselves without dependence on another...

As I sit and write it's hard to not let the flow of certain memories carry me away...there were some wonderful times. It's a shame they get overshadowed by the painful ones.

What I feel the most of right now is sadness. Like a blanket of fresh fallen snow covering everything...including possibility.

I suppose anything is possible but on this cold, snowy January afternoon I feel my Aloneness even more acutely then I usually do....Ach, yet life goes on.

1 comment:

  1. "As I sit and write it's hard to not let the flow of certain memories carry me away...there were some wonderful times. It's a shame they get overshadowed by the painful ones."
    Think of it this way... At least you HAVE those memories, both good AND bad, and that you are alive to remember them... AND that you learned to better yourself from the bad ones.