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Friday, January 28, 2011

On the Road To...

The longer I blog and post daily, the the better I get at being able to take what I think and feel then translate that fairly clearly to the written word. For a while I would read a recent post and it would be obvious that some part of what I was feeling had been lost in that's getting better each time I post.

Last night's entry accurately captured that feeling of vulnerability I have as I'm writing so openly about my life today. And that's great, I was trying to do that and that is exactly where I had intended to go with this blog. What I want to be clear about though is I'm not complaining...this is an OK place for me to be.

I don't want this to come across as if I feel I'm making a mistake and I'm unhappy. No, struggle is an accepted part of this process and I really believe it is important to not only share WHAT I've learned but HOW I got to that point in my life as well. And that must include the hard, difficult stuff in addition to the all positive stuff as well...I've learned that the struggle in reality IS the story. That is where true growth occurs...

I have experienced enough change to realize that the transformation is often bumpy, that self-doubt, hesitation, fear are all perfectly normal reactions to what's happening in my life today. It wasn't uncommon early in my recovery for me to just lose it when I ran in to adversity and struggle, my immediate reaction was to just quit and yea, revert back to what I knew: escape. That's how I used to deal with adversity: I didn't. I ran instead...That (going back to my old way of life) however wasn't an option and thankfully, after some time I'd come back to it and try again. Often with much better results..

Another concern I have is that I do not want to be misleading here...often when I re-read a post I think it can come off sounding not so much like I'm preaching but as if I have this figured out, like: "if you do this, then this will's easy". I DO NOT, trust me, have this kind of life figured out...this is a process that is happening as I write. Often I find I'm just as surprised by what I've written here as the reader is...

I do want to be clear, what I'm writing are my experiences. These things happened to me and this is how I interrupt those experiences. I do not have addiction or loneliness, or fear or resentment, etc. figured out. Nope, I struggle mightily with those things every day just like everyone else.

What I present here is my experiences in dealing with these issues that I have in my life today. Though it is not a blue print as it were for recovery, it is perhaps the road map of my recovery up until today, including the many dead-ends I've discovered and wrong turns I've made along the way.

And so begins today's journey, on the road to happy destiny as it were...

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