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Friday, January 28, 2011

Searching For Nothing


SHAME By Chris Peters

I'm sitting up late and I'm feeling slightly uncomfortable. It happens, to me anyway. There are times that I just feel out of sorts no matter whats going on in my life. I am restless by nature and naturally curious. Probably how I started experimenting with drugs and such in the first place. And since I was a restless soul anyway, booze/drugs were perfect because they could change the way I was feeling...and I certainly became fond of that!

No matter how much I enjoy the way I live my life today, I think I'm always going to have moments where I wish I hadn't used up all my extra lives as it were. That I could give IT a go, just one more time...that thinking is absolutely NUTS, considering all that has happened to me. Honestly, it's not like I live a sheltered life now but as I mentioned in a previous post, there are still times when I wish I had more of that super, intense, excitement in my life, as if living an interesting and healthy life isn't enough.

In the past I was always chasing that illusive something that I never could quite catch. Though I looked for IT every single time I drank and used drugs. Like somehow those things created a more exciting and worthwhile life when actually it was just a pathetic day-dream...

Is this all there is? That's a question I thought about a lot as a very young man and it has started crossing my mind again. I thought there would be more....I know when I grew up and had a family, I felt tied to my job because I had a mortgage, bills and countless other responsibilities. I used to wonder what it would be like to not have all that responsibility...then it happened the last two years before I sobered up. And without those daily responsibilities to center me, hold me whole world exploded into CHAOS.

In the end, it turns out it was not some magical opportunity to explore, to be FREE to live some exotic lifestyle...nope, it wasn't any more exciting then my previous existence, nope. I just used my lack of responsibility to drink more, drug more, hurt myself and my loved one's more while hastening the inevitable confrontation with my own mortality.

In the end, I win the WAR...One Day At ATime (ODAAT) by giving up.

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