I am thinking about being a 1, a single entity, a lone ranger as it were in a society that has expectations that we all partner up. I could rebel against that notion, saying I like being independent and so forth. That would be technically accurate but not wholly so. I do appreciate my independence....that I am a rather solitary individual is also true. Yet I feel left out...
I do and I'm not sure if that is truly loneliness or if I'm just comparing myself to the other people I see around me, again those expectations our society has. Are you married...No?!, why not!!? Girlfriend...uh, no...Well something must be wrong with the guy then. he must be gay.
At least that is how that plays out in my mind.
My ex got re-married within 2 yrs (maybe even a bit less) of our splitting up and when she mentioned it to me I remember thinking.."Already?". I then immediately felt like our whole relationship had been completely meaningless. Of course I realize 2 yrs is not rushing or rebounding into something. And though I have little to no contact with her after I made some amends a couple yrs ago, I do get the impression from that encounter, my son who still has a relationship w/her and others, that she is healthy and happy.
I am quite happy for her as well...and yet I can still feel like she could care less whether I even exist or not. I used to think that she wished I was dead so our relationship ending would be tidy and...FINAL. I was making some drastic emotional judgments based on the detached manner in which I felt discarded and irrelevant in the end. The reality is she most likely detached emotionally to protect herself as she started a new life. But since she was more cerebral then emotional anyway, it was the norm for her...I couldn't tell the difference and yes, I was hurting. So I assumed the worst...
The point in re-hashing this, because I typically avoid trying to speculate why things happened like that, was because those things play a significant role in why I react today to relationships the way I do. And why I feel lonely and why I choose to be alone, though in reality, deep down I'd rather be a "WE" then a "ME".
It comes back to fear again...I am afraid to reach beyond what I consider comfortable.
Of course for a guy who has gone through a rather dramatic series of changes in his life, some involving major emotional, physical, spiritual and psychological trauma...I've become conditioned to not jump into any relationship and do my best to not act impulsively. For a while I would be the first to acknowledge that I had very little to nothing to offer to someone in a relationship. I needed to hold things close to my heart so I could indeed heal.
That has been the difficult part for me. I had very legitimate reasons to stay out of any kind of emotional attachment type relationship. This was because I needed to learn how to take care of and care for myself first. It has literally been 4 yrs without being in that type of relationship.
5 years if you exclude the co-dependant, enabling relationship the last year of my using. I can honestly say that was more of a survival instinct kind of holding on for dear life, relationship. Looking back at it in hindsight, it most certainly saved me from myself, as I needed a caretaker to keep me from overdosing which was beginning to happen from time to time.
Now I have come to a place in my life where I feel like I am emotionally healthy and ready for something more. And that I do indeed have something to offer another person in a close relationship but then my nervousness, my fears take over and tell me: " Oh no, I'm not really ready for this..." That is the tricky part because this is an area where I am afraid to fail. I would rather fall back on the side of caution in this case so I never really risk it. I just accept that this is the way it is and yet it really hurts to feel so "unlovable".
Recently I've tried to reach out to others, just in friendship and have felt very awkward about it. I did, I just felt really stupid and thought to myself that I was better off being alone. And that is how I often feel...
So that is the strange, uncertain place I find myself today. Caught between wanting to step out and being afraid of doing so and feeling strange or awkward or stupid. So I write about it, try to put it in perspective, to learn and grow from my experiences then move out and on with my life...
Holy shit do I feel emotionally depleted right now, I really do. The interesting thing about that (and this is what makes my life today so radically different from my past) is that even though this emotional upheaval is taking place and it's hard, I still feel hopeful about the future. Deep down I know I'm growing, I'm transitioning into a life behavior I can already feel is a happier, healthier place for me. Hopefulness is indeed a radical change of emotional turf for me but, each day I feel more and more firmly grounded on it.