Hello Today!?

Oh my and the days keep piling up. I'm not getting any younger, uh no! It is odd though, life seems to be going by even faster then I expect it to. Not sure if that came out sounding right...

In the past, I didn't think about time, really. Not in the big-picture life sense of time. I just reacted to whatever was going on and lived for the oblivion that came at the end of the day through drinking and drug use. I planned for stuff, of course...I kept a schedule but only because I had to for work and the kids school activities. But really, I didn't give much thought to it or what I was achieving in life either.

My life, day by day as I saw it, was something to SURVIVE, to endure, get through. Only to wake up and find that I had to do it all over again. There was NO higher purpose to any of it. How does that old saying go: "Drink and be merry for tomorrow we die"...Exactly. That captures my feeling then perfectly...

And as my addiction progressed I became less patient, less tolerant to things that delayed my journey to oblivion on a daily basis. I hurried, uncaring through a third of my life to get to the other 2/3rds where I could chase oblivion through drink, drugs and sleep. And these were the "good years" of my addiction, when I was "functional"..IE: working, raising kids, pretending to be a husband/father...

It became no holds barred CHAOS once I lost the work, the mortgage, the wife, the kids, any responsibility...then I could chase oblivion 24/7 and hasten my journey to what I thought in my twisted mind at that time, was Immortality. SHUDDER....

Ach, it's hard to think about that today, it still really hurts sometimes to admit all this, to "own it" as it were and ultimately accept it. It isn't pleasant to think of yourself as on some kind of freaked out, angel of death trip but it was...exactly what IT was.

My God am I grateful that I have sobriety in my life today...so I don't have to feel that way anymore. I can't really describe how I feel at this moment. Sometimes when writing these posts that tap into the very emotional core of what I was, I begin to feel the pain of it all as it were happening again and this time I can't get back out, I'm trapped there forever. Talk about FEAR....

I know now that it's OK and I really do believe that. And I still believe that this Blog Journey of mine called Shell Shock Serenade is what I am being called on to do. It was difficult at one time in my early recovery to reconcile what had happened to me...I had to have some logical explanation or reason for it...not to justify it but so it hadn't all happened in vain, that in reality there was some higher purpose to it perhaps...

I often will say in a post that I am living this journey right here, right now as I write. The way I feel at this exact moment is why I say that. I'm not just writing about my story of recovery, NO...I'm living it as I type, this is the journey and that story...is me.