Wednesday, January 26, 2011
To Be ME..
I think one of the hardest things for me to deal with when making this profound change in how I live is how awkward it feels to just BE myself. Profound stuff, huh. That might be hard to relate to for some but I was always thinking about how I came across to others, how I appeared. Why you may ask? Because I was constantly dishonest, I never showed anyone who I really was.
And in my relationships, especially with my spouse and other family, I lied a lot. I just felt like I could not let them really know what I was about. The truth was too humiliating: I was a phony, a fake. It wasn't like a big production of lies but I just developed an inability to be honest, everything was exaggerated, stretched, I built myself up and belittled the accomplishments of others. All to make myself feel better about who I was...
I know now that I was propping up my own shredded self-esteem. But today, it has been a challenge to just be real. The honesty, once I got through the basic changes in my life now comes more naturally, it's almost easy. Truly, it's a lot more work, a lot harder to lie then to just tell the truth. I did have to learn how to do that. I did have to list out all my deficiencies, the defects of my character as it were. And discuss those things...for me therapy has helped a great deal in this area as well.
Once those nasty defects were identified and discussed...I had to let 'em go. And that is an ongoing process because lets face it, that is the way I've behaved all my life. Focusing solely on myself, my needs, my desires..often at someone else's expense. I've had to reverse that focus a true 180 degrees and now focus on the needs of others. Funny thing when you start doing that is that your needs seem to get met anyway..often in amazing and profound ways at unexpected times.
Those are the things I try to share here on SSS. Watching someone who just weeks before was feeling hopeless, now laugh and enjoy themselves. I can't begin to say what an effect that has on me to be a witness to such profound change and in such a short period of time.
It's very cool stuff and well worth the heartache that often can come with this kind of focus as well.
I see I've run out of time this morning so I might pick up the honesty topic this afternoon as well....