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Saturday, January 22, 2011

My Black Dog

The Boilers have a 10 pt lead at half-time and honestly my heart just isn't in the game. It's snowing lightly outside and it's my favorite type of snow: light and fluffy. That's because it's 8 degrees outside!

I posted the picture above because it accurately represents how I feel right now. Slightly out of focus, yet there is something holding your attention. I'm unfocused yet I can see clearly what I need to do...confusing? Oh yea!

 I often go through periods of reflection (some would call it Depression, probably) but I've learned to just roll with it. Nothing to get excited about....and I have discovered that it's a necassary part of the way I process stuff. I think when I am unsettled, I tend to fill up with heavier emotions and I do tend to feel things much more deeply then normal.

I think I sense that I am facing a period in my life where I have to change, er more like I already am experiencing the change.... know I can never stay in one place in my recovery for long nor do I really want to. These spiritual nudges I experience can have a rather dramatic affect on me and I think I'm sort of recoiling from it all. I do not trust new things very easily. I want to but it is very difficult for me to just have faith and go forward with something new. 

I have been flopping around here on the blog the last two days desperately trying to figure out what the fuck is going on knowing full well that it probably will never be clear enough for me to explain to others. I need to accept that and freaking move on to some thing else.

Tomorrow is DAY #2 of the Great Church Experiment and you know what, it's fine. I don't feel much one way or the other. Hmmm...

That has me thinking..I left a comment on my fellow blogger Sunny's Blog: sunny sings the blues about Exhaustion and Emotional Trauma. I really believe that there is a definite relation, when I am writing a "heavy" blog post or dealing with some of the difficult stuff I find myself often barely able to function because I'm so bloody tired.

It sounds simple but I think I put SO much energy into recovery sometimes that I haven't anything left for just plain ole me and my life. That is absolutely related to the balance Issue I have been dancing around the last few days. I'm in waaaay tooo deeeep, on the emotional side. I need to spray the rest of this emotional diarrhea and move on to something mindless, perhaps?!

I know, it's probably been obvious to everyone reading this dribble, yet I'm much too close and really didn't see it. I just try so hard at times to fix everything now but life does not work that's too tidy, too neat. No it will take time and yea, more changing on the fly.

Looks like I timed this perfectly because Michigan State is making a run at Purdue in the second half. I think I'm gonna shut off the computer for the night and watch some basketball. Good night all.....


  1. I'm a huge advocate of mindless fun...and potty humor. Its my favorite form of antidepressant. I also advocate for expression and humor punctuated as needed by colorful four letter words. (I actually recommend both humor and cussing to my interns as necessary requirements for coping as a school psych.) And last but not least..I advocate for comfort food. Personally, NY style pizza rocks my world. Thats why my local pizzeria knows us by name. Hopefully you have some deliciousness on hand because that kind of weather looks RUDE. Holy shizzzz. That would put me in a funk all by itself...No past trauma required.

  2. Ach...Unfortunately we have only chain pizza in the area where I live. It works but it isn't the same as the old "Mom & Pop" Pizzeria Pizza...I miss Leonardo's from my youth and Skiles Tavern Pizza from Holland, MI desperately! Thank God I visit Holland frequently enough to get my "Fix"! But I have to admit, it sure sounds good right now...

    I agree too about humour..If I couldn't laugh at all this shit going...well, er..let's just say it wouldn't be funny! I'm also an advocate of the word "fuck", it's the best word for releasing emotion I know in all it's different forms...

    I've lived in the North all my life so the weather is...what it is, I guess. "My Norm"...