Shell Shock Serenade...hmm, what is it? What is this blog I created over a year ago supposed to be. It was meant to capture what a person's life (because it was handy, I chose my own!) is like when they are trying to live in recovery, one day at a time. What does that FEEL like, how does someone think who is going through that kind of a transition in their life.
I thought it sounded like a kind of an interesting idea but for quite awhile I didn't really commit to the blog. That commitment came this past fall and with it also came full disclosure of all the rather unpleasant, embarrassing and painful aspects of my life. It also included specific details of the many good and wonderful things that had happened and were continuing to happen in my life but let's face it: it's actually kinda fun sharing that stuff. The painful crap? Not so much...
When a person opens themselves up in such a way, there is somewhat of a price that is paid in terms of privacy and yea, just having to share my bad shit. It isn't fun, it hurts, some folks will not understand it at all. And there is a part in this that I haven't talked about. This is my life and there were real people involved with me during these difficult times. The last thing I want to do is hurt them by sharing this stuff here. So I have to be sensitive about how I share stuff and show discretion when it comes to mentioning others.
OK, if all this is true, why the hell would anyone want to do this? Trust me, I've asked myself this question many times!
Because I can...I have a story that can be useful to others if it is told. But only if it is told openly, honestly and in great detail. After much thought and meditation...I decided that I must do this. Honestly at that point it didn't feel like a choice any more, I felt I had to...call it a spiritual awakening, a cosmic nudge, whatever. I was driven to do this by something I didn't and still don't understand.
And though there are risks in opening up, the rewards in doing so have been amazing. The truth truly can set one free. I had no idea what freedom really was until I sobered up and found the spiritual side of life. I have written before that I must use my experience, strength and hope to help others if at all possible. That helps me stay sober today. I do feel like I do this to help others, I really do. Because there are times I want to stop, just quit..Why?
Because when you take a hard look at yourself and get honest, you will discover things about yourself that perhaps you'd rather not know. I've blogged about them here. I've learned how terribly selfish and self centered I was when drinking and that I still can still be that same selfish guy if I don't continue to try and change the behaviors that got me there. And change can lead to growth but it isn't easy to grow sometimes. No, it sucks sometimes...
I do find it funny that I originally sat down here to write a post about whether I should in fact have 2 separate blogs. One dealing with all the addiction stuff...growth, spiritual things, relationships: all stuff I've written a lot about lately. Then have a blog that focuses more on sports, satire, politics and such. I thought I'd throw it open to any one who reads this to see if I shouldn't do that. But in the course of writing this post...I've already made up my mind.
I'm going to stick to the original notion of capturing a recovering persons life, their whole life as much as possible. Warts and roses, relationships and basketball scores, the weather and how it feels to deal with heartache and the aftermath of rape. Because that IS my life, that's what it feels like every day. And that is suppose to be the point, right?!
Lately I have been experiencing the beginning of a great spiritual odyssey, for lack of a better way to say it. This is particularly personal and difficult but I think it is truly essential to my recovery...so it must be related here on the blog. It's tricky stuff for me, the church, God and all that....for the last 36 years I've avoided that subject like the plague. Shoot 2 months ago I would hardly discuss it with my FRIENDS...now I'm sharing it ALL on the Internet! Some transformation that was, eh?!!
Well, now it seems I wrote this entire post for nothing....well, not exactly. It's given me the opportunity to share my intentions for this blog to a potentially new audience who can now, as of today access the posts right on FaceBook. So I think this was actually a great time to talk about these topics and more.
One last thing...I truly see SSS or Triple-S or 3-S (Shell Shock Serenade) as a two way forum, I really encourage anyone to comment, share you thoughts, feelings, opinions, insight..whatever. All I ask for is respect, basic human respect: Please respect the blog and it's readers, that's all I ask...
And a reminder for any new readers: my goal with this blog was to capture my thoughts, feelings, etc. in real time so I have a tendency to write and then post right away. The first editions of some of my posts do contain some typos, poor sentence structure, etc. I typically write, post it, then come back later and read through it again and then I'll correct some of that stuff.
I consider this a "living" document almost, that is why I handle it that way. I make a concerted effort NOT to change the basic tone of each post when I go back. Yes, there have been a time or three when reading through it I discovered a total train wreck. Those were examples of a time when I had to do some major rewriting but usually it's just spelling and some sentence structure.
I hope all the FaceBook folks enjoy this work as much as I enjoy doing it. I will add that it is Uncensored. Language and subject matter are adult oriented: I was a practicing Drug Addict/Alcoholic for 30 years...it wasn't pretty. I tried to commit suicide, I talk about sexual assault. So if you read on please just be aware that the subject matter is real life stuff, my life.
Of course that's only part of it. I share a great deal of joy here as well. I can't help it...I've been a very fortunate guy. It's not often that we get to start over in life and that's basically what I've been able to do....