I just re-read the Soul-Sickness post from last night. That is a rare post that flowed out of me, almost w/out any actual thought on my part. I opened the door and like a river the thoughts, emotions just flowed right out. A very rare occurrence for me, indeed!
But as I was reading it I thought, Gee I wonder what folks think I looked like or acted like when I was living the life described in some of my posts. It almost seems in the reading that I must have looked and acted so poorly all the time...how come it wasn't obvious there was a problem. Why didn't someone say something. My appearance and behavior should have been screaming out: HELP ME! But it wasn't...Why?
Simple...I did not want anyone to know the truth, even myself. It's a cliche but an accurate one for me: I lived a lie. And I was a very good liar. And actor I may add. Until I became so sick that I couldn't control it anymore I acted the part of a father, husband, professional at work, friend...I didn't show the real me. Oh it occasionally slipped out but I covered it up.
One must also understand that there were various stages where my addiction steadily became worse. After my wife left me long before I got sober, things definately went downhill very quickly. I no longer had to pretend at home. Nope, didn't have to hide my drug taking, limit my drinking. I was also on disability from work and that set the stage for the last year: An epic of Chaos, Cocaine, Alcohol, Prescription Drugs of every possible kind. 72 hour long days that would never end....
At that time it became quite difficult to hide what was happening...so essentially I hid. I limited my contact w/friends and family. I never answered the phone or the door. I wasn't working, had no responsibilities and had decided to basically party until I died. I maxed out every credit card I had and I had a lot of them with huge credit limits. I was on disability, still receiving a very generous paycheck. So basically, I only left my house to score dope, go to a friends to party or run an errand, IE: re-stock my beer and liquor supply. In the end I was 6'1" and weighed 139lbs...I looked like a Concentration Camp Survivor, I really did.
I do recall that I wasn't going to worry about paying the credit cards back, I planned on dying so it didn't really matter. And that is truly the way I lived until the day I tried to quit life, as I've already described in a previous post Darkest Before The Dawn.
And then the Sun, the light of life began, ever so slowly to shine down on me again. Though I did not have a clue at the time, my trial by suicide was the beginning of a whole new way of life....
So...did I paint a good enough picture to explain how it is possible to live two very different lives, simultaneously? Because that is exactly what I did, there were two distinct Me's. The Addict/Alcoholic and the "Normal Guy", father, son,husband, co-worker, friend...And this worked until the physical aspects of my addiction became so pronounced that no amount of control, lying or acting could hide the truth...so then I tried to die.
And I add, that I am very Happy guy today, that I was a failure at suicide!
Peace all, have a Happy Thursday! Or like George Carlin used to say: OK then, If you didn't want to have a Happy Thursday, then go ahead and have a crappy Thursday...I don't give a shit!