Thursday, January 27, 2011
I no longer feel like I'm not good enough. I feel free from the bondage of my own unrealistic expectations. Holy smokes, you got to be kidding me Bat Man, you mean I actually HAVE self-esteem now. Got that one right, Robin!
I'm goofin' but the message behind the hi-jinks is totally true. As I've proceeded down this path of recovery and yea, self-discovery, I've found myself as it were. Found is a funny word to use because I was actually here all the time. But I really did not know who I truly was inside or what I was about. I'd pretended all my life to be something I wasn't.
Sobriety didn't give me all this positive change overnight but instead made it possible to see "what could be" instead of always just seeing "what wasn't to be". That is what I always did, I focused solely on the negative, I looked for reasons to be defeated instead of looking toward the positive light on the horizon. I was my own worst enemy. I'd become the cliche'...
And man what a change it has been for me...and yes, this change has also been scary because I was entering a realm that was completely unknown to me. The spiritual realm...Ach, I struggled for years with the notion that God and followers of God judged me. I resented them for that and I hated them for it. Yet now I was feeling something I'd never felt before yet I was too afraid initially to open myself up to it.
The last couple weeks I've been tap dancing all around the topic of God, Christianity, coming to believe, etc. For some time I really did not want to believe...I did not want to become one of THEM. I'm still not comfortable openly discussing that subject here...mainly because I fear that I will be judged. I also am afraid I might be making a mistake. So I play the odds, I attempt to play it safe...
Lets face it, it's one thing to make a choice and find out later it was indeed a mistake. Typically it's no harm, no foul and you move on. Since I am living my life "LIVE" as it were on the web, every decision I make is public, there is no turning back, no hiding from it. I feel exposed, vulnerable and totally accountable.
Yes, that was the plan but the reality of it really strikes me particularly hard right now. I fear I'll make a fool out of myself...actually I probably already have. But this is what it's like to seek a higher truth, yet still have reservations, still have doubt. It's a real scenario...it is happening right now and this is what I feel.
Still it's all kind of cool and yea, it's exciting too because I feel better about myself in general. I'm more positive and more focused then I ever remember being in my entire life...