If I want to continue living in recovery I have learned the hard way that it's important for me to keep an emotional even keel. To not let myself get to stressed or freaked out by things. Especially stuff that I have absolutely NO control over like the behavior of other people. I know that as much as I may want to change a person that I can't. People are going to do what they do and what I do have control over (hopefully) is how I act or react to it.
Today I did a poor job, I let other folks eat my lunch, I got annoyed and then basically I got pissed. And when I get angry I do something that most people don't do...I tend to take it out on myself. It becomes a strange tale of f**k you and punish me.
Odd too is that in sobriety I never craved a drink...not in the traditional way like "Hey a beer sounds good, I think I'll have one". No it was always like "things suck, life's hard, I can't do this anymore so I'll drink or use and I won't have to deal with it anymore". The translation: Life hurts, It's hard and takes effort to make it better, that's more then I can handle SO I'll drink/use and die so I don't have to work hard at this life anymore". WAh, wah...I can't take it so I'll take the easy way out...
It's totally sick thinking but that is how it goes with an addict and our twisted way of looking at life. I never wanted to work for anything that way, to improve myself or change my negative behaviors. No it was always escape into a fantasy land and not worry about anything...
I'll admit that after 4 years sober, I'm surprised when I feel that old self-loathing...it disgusts me and thankfully the feeling doesn't last long. I'm more equipped to cope with it now...I know that when things suck in life sometimes that it's temporary, just hang tough and it will pass. And it typically does...
I'm expert at making mountains out of mole hills as well. I can take a small problem and stress and worry until it becomes this mammoth undo-able thing and then I'm overwhelmed and want to quit. Again it usually turns out to be me blowing shit all out of proportion. That was partially the case today.I didn't like the way some folks reacted to what I was doing, I really thought I was being helpful, going out of my way and they reacted poorly and were rude. Shit happens and I have to let it go...
But you know, there were some other legitimate things that happened today as well, where someone didn't keep a commitment or got angry and unreasonable. And I had a reason to be upset...but I still try to keep stuff in perspective. It's just hard I want to flip out, get pissed and jump up and down but I ...can't.
Again this comes down, my serenity comes down to what can I do about it. How can I make the situation better. And that means that even if my feelings are hurt that I sometimes have to go back and work things out with the folks I'm angry with. I'm not real good at that kind of thing but it worked out OK.
I have to realize that other people have rough days too...if I can put myself in their place I find I'm a lot more rational about it....I know sounds like a bunch of head shrinking psychological crap and perhaps it is but it keeps me cool and serene so I do it...
Yes I am very happy to read your blog. what u are doing by bloging good and bad funny and sad is keeping u "u". I hope that makes sense. I Have to tell my self "Happy Thoughts" korney I know but works most of time for me. Just like your blogging is working for you. Geez I hope I am making sense or at least you can understand what I am saying. k... done babbling.
ReplyDeleteI think the fact that you recognize the mental dialog that you have, that has lead you to use in the past, is huge...Its hard to ignore it once you've acknowledged it. And you are right, everyone has bad days and everyone has their "stuff." I know for me, the bad days are the ones when I get bombarded. When I don't have a chance to shake off whatever earfull I received from one clucker, before I'm pecked by another clucker, then another, and another. I've never been an addict, so I don't turn to drugs, alcohol, or gasoline huffing (I will never understand the appeal of that..), but I DO want to unzip my skin and climb out of at sometimes. Not literally of course, but I generally want to be far far away from the stressful people and stressful place from which my bombardment occurred. If I'm mindful enough at the time, I can usually amuse myself and others with a snarky joke to lighten the mood. If not (which lately is more common than not), I cry. And I know there is a stigma for men to cry in front of others...but it turns out, its not super acceptable for school psychologists either. Apparently, my degrees suggest some type of magical fix-it powers. Nope. I've just got student loans, some knowledge about child development, and my plain old tired, grief diminished, coping skills. And some days, like you, I feel those coping skills running pretty thin. I guess that makes us human. So, be kind to yourself. You have a lot to offer the world, even when the world doesn't tell you so. And I have found that the world tends to give you props when you least expect it. (Haven't quite figured out why yet..) Tomorrow is a new day. Just keep on keeping on; being true to yourself and the good things will come. They will. Guaranteed. (But Maaaaybe not when you want them or expect them...thats the catch! Its bullshit. If I made the rules...it would be different...but you know, that whole magic wand eludes me...stupid wand! I hate that wand... :)
ReplyDeleteInteresting that you mentioned crying. I did cry as a child (according to my mum, I don't quite recall) but after the sexual assault (I just have trouble using the accurate term here: RAPE) I had no tears, for years. In my late 20's I finally sought some therapy at the urging of a friend who had been molested by her auntie for 10 yrs. At that time I was able to shed some tears and let some things go..
ReplyDeleteBut it wasn't until I was in the hospital after my suicide attempt, when I realized that I had to find a way to live that tears came...in torrents, for what seemed like days. I would cry at the drop of a hat, it obviously was years of repressed heartache, fear and pain just flooding out. It was as if an incredible burden was lifted from me then. Since that time I've had the ability to cry again, though it doesn't happen that often (and yes, as a man I struggle with the manliness of shedding tears in front of others) but I cry when I need to and it is a wonderful release, it contributes to that "balance" I seek daily that I've been referring to in past posts. Why would the great Creator, as it were...give us this amazing ability for emotional release if we weren't to use it? It was that thought/question that gave me the confident comfort to let myself go when it's needed. Thank you so much Sunny for your comments...I could relate to so much of it. Funny thing, is today I have to resist unzipping myself from my own skin and escaping as well. I think that's what human beings do when the heat is on and things are tough or we are stressed, hurting, we get a self protecting urge to flee...and often that reaction will just complicate things more for me later. It's all about living and learning, staying as balanced as I can each day...