I still have moments, like now where I feel like I'm a sailboat w/out a rudder. I'm simply drifting, in circles and I haven't any idea what I'm supposed to do and where I'm supposed to be going.
I think I really struggle with any situation where I cannot "know" in advance what the plan is, what I am doing, where I'm going, right here and right now. I have always had a powerful "need to know"...Let me know if I'm wrong here but that sounds like that feeling puts me in direct conflict with the whole notion of "faith", does it not?
I have a very loose, somewhat murky idea of what faith is all about. Uh, you know what...I don't, I haven't a clue, really. It always seems to me to be just another form of "wishful thinking". Is it really? That's the kind of internal struggle for answers I'm having now.
I will say at this moment, on Friday Jan. 21st, 2011...I have a sub-conscience sense that I am in a good place in my life right now. The focus of it seems to meld in smoothly w/what I believe is right: Giving of one's self, living in a positive way, focusing on good all around health, etc...so I haven't the internal turmoil that I was so used to in my past, even the recent past.
That isn't to say I don't have doubt or questions, I do...it's just I feel more "settled" then before and yea, I do feel a calmer, more serene self these days.
So are those feelings I just described and that sense of calmness....is that a result of Faith? Or is it Faith itself? In other words, do I feel that calmness because deep down I know that I'm in a good place and though bad crap might happen I feel as ready for real life as I ever had before? Is that how that works...just a sense of knowing all is well?
Wow, I am driving myself absolutely nuts with this shit, lol! How would you like to live in this freakin' brain that never, ever shuts off?! But that is my life right now and though I have questions, again I don't feel the stress, the chaos that I typically did before...that is different,no doubt. That's certainly a major change in how I process day to day stuff...
So I'm embark on another day's journey, first I must take on the X (bike) then it's time to face the world...