I still have moments, like now where I feel like I'm a sailboat w/out a rudder. I'm simply drifting, in circles and I haven't any idea what I'm supposed to do and where I'm supposed to be going.
I think I really struggle with any situation where I cannot "know" in advance what the plan is, what I am doing, where I'm going, right here and right now. I have always had a powerful "need to know"...Let me know if I'm wrong here but that sounds like that feeling puts me in direct conflict with the whole notion of "faith", does it not?
I have a very loose, somewhat murky idea of what faith is all about. Uh, you know what...I don't, I haven't a clue, really. It always seems to me to be just another form of "wishful thinking". Is it really? That's the kind of internal struggle for answers I'm having now.
I will say at this moment, on Friday Jan. 21st, 2011...I have a sub-conscience sense that I am in a good place in my life right now. The focus of it seems to meld in smoothly w/what I believe is right: Giving of one's self, living in a positive way, focusing on good all around health, etc...so I haven't the internal turmoil that I was so used to in my past, even the recent past.
That isn't to say I don't have doubt or questions, I do...it's just I feel more "settled" then before and yea, I do feel a calmer, more serene self these days.
So are those feelings I just described and that sense of calmness....is that a result of Faith? Or is it Faith itself? In other words, do I feel that calmness because deep down I know that I'm in a good place and though bad crap might happen I feel as ready for real life as I ever had before? Is that how that works...just a sense of knowing all is well?
Wow, I am driving myself absolutely nuts with this shit, lol! How would you like to live in this freakin' brain that never, ever shuts off?! But that is my life right now and though I have questions, again I don't feel the stress, the chaos that I typically did before...that is different,no doubt. That's certainly a major change in how I process day to day stuff...
So I'm embark on another day's journey, first I must take on the X (bike) then it's time to face the world...
Everyone struggles with "faith". Even folks who grew up "being spiritual" their whole lives. And to see you struggling with it even when things are "good" proves you are on the right path. You don't want to step into this lightly. It does get easier...the mind figures it out eventually that it may not always be in control of this aspect of your life. I know it won't help - but when I struggle with faith I turn to a passage in the bible that defines what it is to have faith for me: Proverbs 3: 5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight." See...even back in the day they knew this was a struggle :) Keep up the good thinking! You will find what you are searching for!
ReplyDeleteShelby: I have to laugh when you prefaced the scripture with: "I know it won't help". It most certainly does help and that passage really zeroes in on what I see as very important point that I'll put in my own words: "I can't do it, He Can...I think I'll let him". I know that is simplifying it a lot but simple is good for me!!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your comments and yes, your online support. I was raised in the Church (Episcopal) and at age 12 turned abruptly away, yet it all still seems so new and foreign to me but at the same time it seems..right somehow. So I keep pluggin'